Grief

Grief is an interesting emotion and feeling. 3 years ago tomorrow, my dad talked to me for the last time. He held my boys' hands and we knew he knew what was going on, even if he didn't talk much. I remember him waking up and looking at me, and saying "Hey D." It wasn't an hour conversation. It didn't need to be. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. It is a memory I will cherish forever.

As the 3 year anniversary is approaching I sit and wonder when it gets easier. The grief has changed. 3 years ago I was caught up in the flurry and busyness of "things". Funeral. Visitation. Obituary. Family. I was sad, but it was a different sad. The one year anniversary I was bracing myself to be rocked to my core, but it didn't happen. In fact, I went through the first year pretty well. There weren't any huge emotional surges. I was surprised. I thought maybe I had gotten through it and moved on. Year 2 was pretty decent. A few moments here and there, but overall, similar to year 1. Then came the last year. I didn't see this coming!

Over the last year, and especially the last 6 months, I have found myself highly emotional. I have cried more this year than I have the previous years. I catch myself talking to him, as though he can hear me in heaven. I miss him. But I have missed him since he died. What is different? I think part of it is the realization that he is gone forever. Doesn't make sense, does it? Of course I knew it was forever. It is sinking in how long forever is. I have been desperate to see him, talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him....but that won't be happening, and that is so hard. My heart is broken. It broke September 2, 2008. My heart is still broken, but it aches in a way it hasn't before. I have no idea if this is normal or not. Maybe the professionals would tell me that this is very typical, that is takes several years to really deal with the loss. All I know is I feel robbed. To say I miss him doesn't do my feelings justice. I wanted to experience life with him, as we all grew older.

This week is full of emotions and memories. While I think we should celebrate his life and the amazing memories we have, I just don't feel like it. I am sure he would shake me and tell me to get to it, but he also would say to own my feelings. I am trying.

Self Assessment is Hard

Well, summer in our house is over. The boys are back at school. We are getting back into a routine. We are trying a few new things around here, so the boys can be a help around the house. I am trying to get organized. At the same time I doing some self assessment, with the help of a few people. This is not an easy thing to do.

About 14 months ago, my best friend moved to New York. I had not realized how much this hurt until I started looking into "me". Her son is Tyler's best friend. His little heart just broke, which broke my heart. But I picked myself up and dove into PTO, subbing, working....until it all came to an end in June. I have had the summer to decompress. While decompressing I realized how lonely I am. I realized just how special Caydee is to me and my whole family. I realized I threw myself into being busy, maybe so I wouldn't have to face life with the Bell family not 3 streets away, even though I didn't purposefully do that. I realized how important friendships are, and not just one special one, but many. I looked at my life and knew I needed to make some decisions.

My pastor's wife, Angie, has been a great friend and counselor. She has called me on the carpet, in a loving way, and helped me see some things. Today I realized I had up a wall I never knew I built, that didn't allow for close relationships to be built. It might hurt too much. My dad died almost 3 years ago. Caydee moved 14 months ago. I was feeling "abandoned", so to speak, at nobody's fault. I realized, while Matt and I have always loved entertaining and opening up our home, we have not done that. I gave myself a name, a social recluse. I don't sit in my house, in fact, many days I am not home at all. But socially, I am a recluse. I would rather watch a show or read a book than go out with friends. I need to change this. As much as I love Caydee, and can't wait for her to get back to Colorado, I cannot depend on her friendship alone to fill my loneliness.

Caydee and I were talking last week and she reminded me that I will get out of (fill in the blank, life, church, etc) what I put in. I have not been putting in anything into most areas of my life, except my family. This needs to change, somehow. So, being the person I am, I am analyzing, and then will come up with a plan (Matt will be so proud, he is the man with a plan!). Change isn't my favorite thing in life, but the place I am living in now will not work for the long term. Here's to change!!

Home Again and Happy!

July 1st we loaded up in the van and headed to Matt's parents' home at Lake of the Ozarks for our summer vacation. We usually go once a summer, but Matt and I didn't go last year so it had been 2 years for me. I love this place. I love boating. I love the pool. It is always relaxing. We were there for about 6 days and then Matt's extended family came for a reunion. We had a great time seeing everyone and catching up. It had been at least 7 years since we had since many, but honestly, I don't know that I ever talked to them as much as I did this past weekend. It is fun to see the different personalities come together. It was great for our kids to meet everyone. I was proud of them and how they socialized with people all weekend.

On our last boat ride on Sunday, both boys begged to stay longer, so being the amazing grandparents that Rick and Margie are, they found cheap one way tickets for the boys to come home later this week. Matt and I had a great road trip home- just the two of us. We talked the first 4 hours, nonstop. I wondered when the last time was we had that much time without interruption, to just talk and reconnect.

I sit here now in a very quiet house. I have mowed 3 yards today (covering for Jake since he won't be home to do it this week), done laundry, cleaned up the house a bit, and I wonder what to begin now. I have felt slightly unorganized for a few years. Sometimes the thought of getting organized is overwhelming. But I will persevere and head to Staples for office supplies. I will go through my freezers and inventory what is in there. I will plan out some menus and do some freezer cooking. And maybe I can get to a movie.

As much as I love vacation, I realized once again, that I love Colorado. There really isn't another place I would want to be. To quote Dorothy, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home."

Defining Success

I am sure most of you, like me, have wondered if where you are or what you have achieved in life has been deemed "successful". I think it is so easy to get caught up on that word instead of looking at the fruits of your life.

For instance, last week I got back into running. I was semi-watching what I was eating. Instead of feeling successful about getting back into, I was hard on myself that I had not been "perfect". It made me wonder why I associate "perfect" with success. They should not go hand in hand, should they?

In February I started substitute teaching as well as working part time in a temp position to help out my good friend while she had 2 ladies on maternity leave. While I was making extra money and being productive, I truly felt like a colossal failure as a wife and mother, since I wasn't managing the house as well as I did when I was home all day. I didn't make the connection that I was not home as much. My life was crazy busy. Instead, I felt like a total failure because the house wasn't as clean as I know Matt and I like. Instead of focusing on the fact we still had hot meals on the table for dinner and didn't eat out, I focused on the fact the meals I was serving were simple. Sometimes it was "fend for yourself" for dinner, which they all love, but I felt horrible about it. Basically, the expectation I had for me was to manage everything just as I had been, only adding a few more balls to juggle. No big deal, right?

When school got out 2 weeks ago I vowed to get my life back in control. I am getting some things done around here, but I am not where I envisioned myself being at this point. The office is still not organized. The pantry looks like it exploded, STILL. I am exercising, but not an insane amount, which makes me feel successful. I am trying to focus on what I have done and how I plan to get everything else done, in time. This is a very hard process for me. I wish I could have a little more of Matt's attitude. He doesn't stress about it, and figures it will all get done eventually.

I had an ah-ha moment this weekend. We were having a bbq with our neighbors on our street. I had someone come up and tell me how unbelievably kind and good mannered Jake is. How he is always willing to help out the little kids when they need it. That is when I realized my success should truly be measured by who we are, what kind of kids we are raising, and how we show love to people. I am not there yet, which isn't a failure. Shouldn't success be taking the steps to change things for the better? This was my first step.

Let's Try This Again

It has been a while since I have blogged. I truly wasn't sure anyone read anything I wrote. I got busy. I lost motivation. But I am back, and willing to try this again.

This year has been so busy, already! I cannot believe it is the middle of June. The boys just got out of school a week ago. Tyler is with Rick and Margie right now, but will be home tomorrow. Matt and I have spent some fun time with Jake. We leave in 2 weeks for vacation the the Lake of the Ozarks. I am in desperate need of this trip!! I think we all are. There is just something about being away from home that makes it possible to relax more. I might have laundry to do, but the list isn't as long. There is no office to clean. No closets to clean. No yard to take care of. Well, actually there is, but they aren't my responsibility, so I don't have to think about them!! (sorry Margie!)

Jake is now 13. He is taller than me. His voice is very deep. And I just sit and wonder where the time went?!? Tyler is 9. How do I slow this clock down?

Well, I promise to be more insightful tomorrow. I just wanted to get going on this again. Enjoy your summer. I intend to!!

The Big Ski Party

Tyler chose to take 2 friends skiing for his 8th birthday party this year. We figured this was much better than 10 kids at a fun center! So we loaded up the van bright and early Saturday morning and headed up the mountain. The weather was perfect, sunny, not too cold, but amazing snow- they had gotten 22 inches in the last week.

The boys were having so much fun. Smiles all around. We were going down one run, with lots of trees the boys love to go through, and had a little "miscommunication". I was in front, with Matt at the back, with boys sandwiched between us. This run has an area that can slow you down a bit, so Tyler and Matt were way behind the rest of us. We were waiting for them, when Matt calls me and figures out he went the wrong way, and would meet us at the lift eventually. We ski on, take a lift and do another run. We see Matt, and I say, "where's Tyler?" He smiles and laughs and says, "I don't have him, I thought you did." After a few minutes of realizing he wasn't joking, we realized he thought I had Tyler, and I thought he did. My mommy heart just about stopped! Fortunately he was waiting in the ski patrol office, petting a dog and watching TV. He then said this was the worst birthday ever and he gets a do-over!

After taking a lunch break, and telling him how cool he is that he made it to the lift but daddy didn't, making it a big deal how amazing he is, he was totally cool with it all! He even said it was pretty cool being lost. He said ," it's not like you were shot and dead, you just had to find me!" We spent the afternoon skiing the same run , over and over, and had 100% happy boys! Matt and our friend Jason went and took the snowcat up the mountain for a cool, powder run, and then met back up with us. So all 5 "boys" had a great day!

When I was putting Tyler to bed, he was smiling and said, "thanks mom, for the awesome birthday party! I had the best time ever. I love you!"

Be still my heart!

I am alive!

I have not posted in almost 1/2 a year. I joined Facebook and have used that as my forum for updating you all on the mundane, and sometimes interesting, facts of my life. I thought I would see if anyone even reads this anymore. I am guessing not, but you never know.

Life has been good, yet hectic. Jake turned 12 a month ago, and Tyler will be 8 in 2 weeks. Where does time go? My 1st nephew Kaedon was born September 24th, 2009. That was a true blessing. We have been home a little more this year, but are getting ready to head out for spring break. Matt calls it the "brady bunch vacation". We are road tripping with Matt's parents to the Grand Canyon, and then on to Arizona. It will be a good time.

I guess this is a test, to see if anyone checks this anymore. If not, it is my fault, as I never update. If so, I might try to start blogging a little more. Hope all is well!

One Year

Today is the one year anniversary of my dad's death. I cannot believe it has been a year already. The reality is that life does go on after we lose someone, whether we like it or not. It has been a strange couple of days for me. My emotions were almost higher than they were a year ago. I think part of it is because a year ago there was a lot of "commotion" with him dying, planning a funeral, etc.. This year, there is nothing going on but memories and quiet time to think and reflect.

I miss him so much. Even though I know he is in "a better place", the selfish side of me doesn't care and wants him back here. Being practical, I realize this isn't going to happen, and I know he wouldn't choose it if he could. He was content with dying. He was at peace.

No parent is perfect, dad included. But I love him. I have my memories of him, and I can smile through the tears. We had a lot of good times, mixed in with the not-so-great times. I started praying right after he died that God would bring back to my memories the good times we had, so I could quit thinking about the last 2 years of his life. As always, God answers prayers.

So today I celebrate my dad. I woke up and watched the sunrise this morning, thankful for him, for what we had, for where he is now, for the memories, all the while sad and missing my dad. I love him and miss him, and will forever.

First Day of School is Here!!

Today the boys started the new school year. I think they were ready, and we all know I was. Jake is now a middle schooler, entering 6th grade. Tyler is in 2nd grade. They seemed to have a good day. They both like their teachers. They are both TIRED!! Here are some first day of school pictures for you! I cannot believe how big they are. Where did time go?

5 days and counting!!

The boys have had a great summer. And I have been the taxi service. But on Friday, we are packing up and heading out to go to the Lake of the Ozarks for a week! We always have a great time, and Matt and I are in dire need of escaping Colorado for a few days. Mark and Teri are going with us this year. The boys are flying to Kansas City on Thursday, and then the 4 adults will road trip it starting Friday. We are so excited to go. I almost feel like a kid again, just counting down days.

We had a great weekend. Matt and the boys camped Friday night. Saturday we had the UFC 100 fights. Sunday we worked in the backyard. We got the hot tub on the pad and got the fake stone almost done. The landscapers are supposed to start today. We'll see if they show up. I have a funny feeling!!

Happy 4th of July!!!

Hello! I know, it has been almost 5 months. You will notice that my last post was about Facebook. You guessed it, between being busy and knowing most people are on Facebook now, I have neglected the blog.

We are in full swing of summer. Both boys have been to nana and papa's. Jake has been to church camp, where he had an amazing time. We went to Elitch Gardens on Friday and had a day of rides and fun.  Tomorrow Jake starts his week of Jr. Zookeeper camp and Tyler starts his multi-sport camp. 2 weeks from today we wake up to our first full day of vacation, which we are so excited for. We are headed to the lake for a week for some relaxation with Matt's parents. Mark and Teri are going, too. 

I cannot believe how fast the summer is going. I hope you all had a great 4th. It rained all day here, so it was kind of a bummer, but we survived. I will post some new pictures on here. Enjoy your summer. Hope this finds you all well.

Facebook it is!

Okay, so my best friend Caydee has been trying to convince me to join Facebook. I have had other people also joining in to convince me. Another dear friend, Friday night, showed me how it all works, and I took the plunge. What was I thinking? 

I still have no idea what I am doing on Facebook. Still not sure how it all works. My last "issue" is that there isn't really space to be able to share my 3-4 paragraphs of feelings, thoughts, news, etc.. So while I have connected with several people from long, long ago, I think I will still need to keep my blog. Let's face it,  I have never been one short on words, so is it realistic to think that I can always keep my thoughts to a sentence or 2?

NEWS!!!!

I knew 2009 was going to be a better year than 2008. 2008 was rough and tiring.

Going to Mexico was a great way to start the first part of 2009 off!! We had an amazing time. The boys are finally at an age where we all had a wonderful time, and didn't have to deal with the things of small, toddler size children.

The news, as of yesterday, to make 2009 even better is that my brother Mark and his wife Teri found out they are pregnant!!!!! YEA!!!!!! This is something they have wanted so badly. If you remember, their first baby had a defect where the skull did not form properly, and did not survive. The due date for that baby was March 10th. So how sweet it is that one day later they find out they are still able to conceive. They are very cautious about their feelings with this pregnancy, and probably will be until they are told everything is fine. So please send your prayers up for a healthy pregnancy for Teri and the baby!

Cancun Here We Come!

We are leaving tomorrow morning to head to Cancun with the boys!!! Words cannot describe how excited we all are. I don't mean to rub it in your face, but I do have good reasons to be excited.

1) It is snowing here, and nothing is better than going to a beach when it is snowing where you live!

2) The boys are at an age where we can have a great family vacation, and not worry about "little" kid stuff.

3) Matt has been working like a dog and could really use time away from the job.

4) We have had one crazy, sad and stressful year. Not all of it was bad, but it was very tiring and hectic. We built a house, sold a house, moved twice, finished the basement and dad died. Needless to say, this vacation couldn't come at a better time.

Have a great week. I know we will!! The forecast is in the low to mid 80's! 

PS- I am still undecided about facebook. I have thought of another downer: people who read my blog who don't have a facebook account miss out on everything. Somehow that just doesn't seem right. Although I am not convinced I have more than 5 readers anyway!!

Facebook Or Not?

For My Dear Friend Shannon!!! :)

Happy 2009! Hope the new year and my first post in 2009 finds everyone well.

So I have a serious discussion I want participation in.

The subject: Facebook
Issue at hand: I have never been interested in Facebook. I cannot understand why grown adults have a Facebook account. I always thought it was for teenagers. However, I have realized that most of my adult friends have an account. Blogging used to be the thing that everyone used to stay in touch with people from the past and present. Now, I am gathering that facebook is the new blogging. What is so great about Facebook? Why should I give in to my stand and get an account? 

1)One of my issues, which I know will seem ridiculous, is when Matt had an account, I didn't like that anyone from his past could chat with him, email him, and all of that communication stuff without me knowing. Now let me clarify...Matt always told me. There was never anything wrong with it, but is just rubbed me wrong.

2) Another issue is that I am not sure I want just anyone from my past getting in touch with me. I know, I sound rude and stuck up, but there are some people in my past that I would prefer to leave in the past.

3) One more issue is that I feel like it becomes this number clicker that tells you how many friends you have. Why do I need to know how many friends I have? Why does everyone else get to know how many friends I have? Who cares how many "friends" I have? Are they really "friends"? Are people so insecure they have to have a big network of friends, who really aren't friends, but mere "people from their past"? 

So convince me or support me. I just don't get it.  But I have lots of "friends" who want me to join. I don't know...I am not convinced just yet.

'Tis The Season

Can you believe Christmas Eve is one week from tomorrow? Are you done shopping? Have you made Christmas cookies yet?

We had a big Christmas party Saturday night, which was a lot of fun, but a lot of work. We went shopping Monday to finish up with our gifts. I now have the green light to make a few cookies, wrap the gifts, watch a movie or two, and try to relax. I am not planning on baking a ton of cookies. I am not making any fancy meals over the holiday week. I am going to try to relax and enjoy the time instead of working constantly.

I love Christmas. I love sitting by the tree and watching the lights. And thanks to my MIL (thanks Margie!) my decorations really look nice and have been taken to the next level. I have not written a Christmas letter this year, yet. I am thinking it might be a New Year's letter. If you have a new address since last year, please email me and let me know what it is.

Merry Christmas everyone! Remember to enjoy the season. Take time to rest, rejuvenate and enjoy.

Let It Snow

We had a very nice, relaxing Thanksgiving Day. The weekend ended up being very nice and relaxing. We took the boys to a hockey game Saturday night. I went out early on Friday and shopped. I actually waited in line, outside in the COLD, for 1 hour 15 minutes to get my hubby his Xmas gift. Then Jake and I went back out and got a few more things. Yesterday we woke up to massive snow. This was kind of surprising, as major snow was not in the forecast at all. We had gotten a few snow showers throughout the weekend, but nothing major. It continued snowing all day. Matt used the snowblower at least 2 times, if not 3. It was gorgeous and definitely made it feel like the holidays are near!

I thought about all of you on Thanksgiving. One of the things I am thankful for is all of our friends. We might not see or talk to you all very often, but you mean the world to us and we think of you often. I hope you all had a great holiday as well. Now it is time to gear up for Christmas! YEA!! I love Christmas. Matt got the lights up outside this weekend. We got the tree up inside. As one of my favorite songs goes..."It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!"

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!! I know we are a few days off, but I also know most of you won't be reading blogs on Thanksgiving. I am starting to make some food today. I can't believe it is here already. This year has really flown by. I am believing that 2009 is not as hectic and crazy for our family.

What are you all doing for the big day? We are having some family over and just having a nice meal. Nothing over the top. Nothing fancy. But it will be nice to be together. We will put a puzzle together, watch some football and just relax. As the holidays are approaching I realize I have been thinking about dad a lot. It is sad, but I have been thinking about the good time with him, the funny stories, his loud obnoxious laugh and voice, and I smile. He would want us smiling and enjoying this time of year. I knew it would be hard about now, and it is harder than normal, but overall I am doing better than I thought I would be.

I have been reading the Black Friday shopping lists and am planning my attack on that morning. There is something about shopping at the crack of dawn. There is an excitement. There is adrenaline. I love it. I don't have too much to get, so I am not out all day, just for a few hours. I always go by myself. No one ever wants to join me.

I pray you all have a blessed day on Thursday. Enjoy those you are with, those you love. Think of everyone you are not with. We will be thinking of all of you. We love you! Happy Thanksgiving.

Christmas is around the corner!!

I am still struggling to realize that in a week or two I will need to decorate the house for Christmas. Time has flown by, this last year. Why does it seem like time moves faster the older you get? The weather has been really nice here, so yesterday many neighbors were getting their Christmas lights up outside. We are headed for that this upcoming weekend. It should still be nice. It sure beats putting up lights in 20 degree weather with snow and sleet.

I have started my shopping. I love online shopping. I get a lot of things online each year. I also save several things and Matt and I take a day and finish up. The hard thing about waiting to shop is that sometimes you can wait too long and then you are out of luck. It is a balancing act, between me (the organize/early shopper) and Matt (the love to wait until the last minute shopper).

The basement is almost done. Praise God! We still have a lot of small things, but we are getting closer.

Matt was selected to the school board. He is excited about that. Hoping to help and make a difference.

Planning the Thanksgiving meal. Trying not to make it too boring...:)

My birthday is Wednesday. I have been sad the last few days thinking about my dad. I realized that this will be my first birthday, ever, that I haven't talked to my dad. The last few I was able to spend with him. I was told I would have moments that would be harder. This is one of them.

That's about it.

Happy Birthday to my Honey!

November 11th, 1973, a baby was born.

November 11th, 2008, he is the love of my life!

Happy 35th to Matt...the man I love with, laugh with, share with, smile with, understand with.

I could not imagine my life without him. Today I thank him and celebrate him.

This is the 17th birthday I will be celebrating with him. I wouldn't have it any other way!

I love you honey. Have an amazing day! Happy birthday!