Grief is an interesting emotion and feeling. 3 years ago tomorrow, my dad talked to me for the last time. He held my boys' hands and we knew he knew what was going on, even if he didn't talk much. I remember him waking up and looking at me, and saying "Hey D." It wasn't an hour conversation. It didn't need to be. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. It is a memory I will cherish forever.
As the 3 year anniversary is approaching I sit and wonder when it gets easier. The grief has changed. 3 years ago I was caught up in the flurry and busyness of "things". Funeral. Visitation. Obituary. Family. I was sad, but it was a different sad. The one year anniversary I was bracing myself to be rocked to my core, but it didn't happen. In fact, I went through the first year pretty well. There weren't any huge emotional surges. I was surprised. I thought maybe I had gotten through it and moved on. Year 2 was pretty decent. A few moments here and there, but overall, similar to year 1. Then came the last year. I didn't see this coming!
Over the last year, and especially the last 6 months, I have found myself highly emotional. I have cried more this year than I have the previous years. I catch myself talking to him, as though he can hear me in heaven. I miss him. But I have missed him since he died. What is different? I think part of it is the realization that he is gone forever. Doesn't make sense, does it? Of course I knew it was forever. It is sinking in how long forever is. I have been desperate to see him, talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him....but that won't be happening, and that is so hard. My heart is broken. It broke September 2, 2008. My heart is still broken, but it aches in a way it hasn't before. I have no idea if this is normal or not. Maybe the professionals would tell me that this is very typical, that is takes several years to really deal with the loss. All I know is I feel robbed. To say I miss him doesn't do my feelings justice. I wanted to experience life with him, as we all grew older.
This week is full of emotions and memories. While I think we should celebrate his life and the amazing memories we have, I just don't feel like it. I am sure he would shake me and tell me to get to it, but he also would say to own my feelings. I am trying.