Self Assessment is Hard

Well, summer in our house is over. The boys are back at school. We are getting back into a routine. We are trying a few new things around here, so the boys can be a help around the house. I am trying to get organized. At the same time I doing some self assessment, with the help of a few people. This is not an easy thing to do.

About 14 months ago, my best friend moved to New York. I had not realized how much this hurt until I started looking into "me". Her son is Tyler's best friend. His little heart just broke, which broke my heart. But I picked myself up and dove into PTO, subbing, working....until it all came to an end in June. I have had the summer to decompress. While decompressing I realized how lonely I am. I realized just how special Caydee is to me and my whole family. I realized I threw myself into being busy, maybe so I wouldn't have to face life with the Bell family not 3 streets away, even though I didn't purposefully do that. I realized how important friendships are, and not just one special one, but many. I looked at my life and knew I needed to make some decisions.

My pastor's wife, Angie, has been a great friend and counselor. She has called me on the carpet, in a loving way, and helped me see some things. Today I realized I had up a wall I never knew I built, that didn't allow for close relationships to be built. It might hurt too much. My dad died almost 3 years ago. Caydee moved 14 months ago. I was feeling "abandoned", so to speak, at nobody's fault. I realized, while Matt and I have always loved entertaining and opening up our home, we have not done that. I gave myself a name, a social recluse. I don't sit in my house, in fact, many days I am not home at all. But socially, I am a recluse. I would rather watch a show or read a book than go out with friends. I need to change this. As much as I love Caydee, and can't wait for her to get back to Colorado, I cannot depend on her friendship alone to fill my loneliness.

Caydee and I were talking last week and she reminded me that I will get out of (fill in the blank, life, church, etc) what I put in. I have not been putting in anything into most areas of my life, except my family. This needs to change, somehow. So, being the person I am, I am analyzing, and then will come up with a plan (Matt will be so proud, he is the man with a plan!). Change isn't my favorite thing in life, but the place I am living in now will not work for the long term. Here's to change!!