Grief

Grief is an interesting emotion and feeling. 3 years ago tomorrow, my dad talked to me for the last time. He held my boys' hands and we knew he knew what was going on, even if he didn't talk much. I remember him waking up and looking at me, and saying "Hey D." It wasn't an hour conversation. It didn't need to be. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. It is a memory I will cherish forever.

As the 3 year anniversary is approaching I sit and wonder when it gets easier. The grief has changed. 3 years ago I was caught up in the flurry and busyness of "things". Funeral. Visitation. Obituary. Family. I was sad, but it was a different sad. The one year anniversary I was bracing myself to be rocked to my core, but it didn't happen. In fact, I went through the first year pretty well. There weren't any huge emotional surges. I was surprised. I thought maybe I had gotten through it and moved on. Year 2 was pretty decent. A few moments here and there, but overall, similar to year 1. Then came the last year. I didn't see this coming!

Over the last year, and especially the last 6 months, I have found myself highly emotional. I have cried more this year than I have the previous years. I catch myself talking to him, as though he can hear me in heaven. I miss him. But I have missed him since he died. What is different? I think part of it is the realization that he is gone forever. Doesn't make sense, does it? Of course I knew it was forever. It is sinking in how long forever is. I have been desperate to see him, talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him....but that won't be happening, and that is so hard. My heart is broken. It broke September 2, 2008. My heart is still broken, but it aches in a way it hasn't before. I have no idea if this is normal or not. Maybe the professionals would tell me that this is very typical, that is takes several years to really deal with the loss. All I know is I feel robbed. To say I miss him doesn't do my feelings justice. I wanted to experience life with him, as we all grew older.

This week is full of emotions and memories. While I think we should celebrate his life and the amazing memories we have, I just don't feel like it. I am sure he would shake me and tell me to get to it, but he also would say to own my feelings. I am trying.

Self Assessment is Hard

Well, summer in our house is over. The boys are back at school. We are getting back into a routine. We are trying a few new things around here, so the boys can be a help around the house. I am trying to get organized. At the same time I doing some self assessment, with the help of a few people. This is not an easy thing to do.

About 14 months ago, my best friend moved to New York. I had not realized how much this hurt until I started looking into "me". Her son is Tyler's best friend. His little heart just broke, which broke my heart. But I picked myself up and dove into PTO, subbing, working....until it all came to an end in June. I have had the summer to decompress. While decompressing I realized how lonely I am. I realized just how special Caydee is to me and my whole family. I realized I threw myself into being busy, maybe so I wouldn't have to face life with the Bell family not 3 streets away, even though I didn't purposefully do that. I realized how important friendships are, and not just one special one, but many. I looked at my life and knew I needed to make some decisions.

My pastor's wife, Angie, has been a great friend and counselor. She has called me on the carpet, in a loving way, and helped me see some things. Today I realized I had up a wall I never knew I built, that didn't allow for close relationships to be built. It might hurt too much. My dad died almost 3 years ago. Caydee moved 14 months ago. I was feeling "abandoned", so to speak, at nobody's fault. I realized, while Matt and I have always loved entertaining and opening up our home, we have not done that. I gave myself a name, a social recluse. I don't sit in my house, in fact, many days I am not home at all. But socially, I am a recluse. I would rather watch a show or read a book than go out with friends. I need to change this. As much as I love Caydee, and can't wait for her to get back to Colorado, I cannot depend on her friendship alone to fill my loneliness.

Caydee and I were talking last week and she reminded me that I will get out of (fill in the blank, life, church, etc) what I put in. I have not been putting in anything into most areas of my life, except my family. This needs to change, somehow. So, being the person I am, I am analyzing, and then will come up with a plan (Matt will be so proud, he is the man with a plan!). Change isn't my favorite thing in life, but the place I am living in now will not work for the long term. Here's to change!!